Mentalizing for Parents: Understanding the Root of Your Child's ADHD Behavior

"This is so unfair, I hate you!” Mentalizing and ADHD – Seeing Beneath the Surface

Parenting a child with ADHD can often feel like navigating unpredictable waters. One moment, everything is calm, and the next, there’s an outburst, defiance, or an emotional shutdown. It’s easy to focus solely on the behaviour you see, but often, that's only the surface of the issue.

Beneath every challenging behaviour, there is a world of emotion, unmet needs, or misunderstood intentions. This is where mentalizing becomes one of the most powerful tools for parents.

What is Mentalizing?

Mentalizing is the ability to reflect on what might be going on in someone else’s mind—what they’re thinking, feeling, or experiencing—and how that might be influencing their behaviour. It’s about "putting yourself in their shoes" and understanding the world from their perspective. When parents learn to mentalize, they develop a deeper understanding of what drives their child's actions.

For instance, when a child slams a door and shouts, “This is so unfair, I hate you!” they may not just be being ‘rude’ or ‘disrespectful’. They might be feeling overwhelmed, rejected, or ashamed. In moments like these, it’s crucial not to take the behaviour personally. Instead, think of the behaviour as communication—even if it’s clumsy or poorly timed. Mentalizing allows parents to pause and ask, “What is my child feeling right now? What might have led to this reaction?”

How Can Parents Start Mentalizing?

Mentalizing starts by slowing down. Take a breath, and resist jumping to conclusions or acting out of reflex. Ask yourself reflective questions:

• What might my child be feeling underneath this behaviour?

• Is there something they’re struggling to express?

• Could they have had a tough day, a social setback, or sensory overload?

By responding from a mentalizing stance, you move from reacting to ‘bad behaviour’ toward understanding the message behind the behaviour.

Why is Mentalizing Important for Children with ADHD?

Children with ADHD often struggle with emotional regulation, impulse control, and communication. Their behaviour might seem intense or difficult, but this usually reflects an underlying challenge, not a deliberate choice. By taking the time to understand what’s happening beneath the surface, parents can better support their children in finding healthier ways to express need, like asking for help, using words to express frustration, or using calming techniques.

Over time, children start internalising this reflective thinking. When they see their parent trying to understand them, they feel safer and more connected, and they’re more likely to learn to understand themselves too.

Mentalizing isn’t about excusing all behaviour, it’s about understanding it. And from a place of understanding, you can guide, teach, and support your child to develop more adaptive and effective ways to manage emotions and communicate their needs.

By adopting mentalizing as a tool in your parenting toolbox, you’ll foster greater emotional understanding, improve communication, and help your child build the skills they need to thrive emotionally.

For more expert tips on parenting ADHD and supporting your child’s development, check our 6-Week Online Program for Parents to help their Child with ADHD. New batch starts soon!